FADE IN:

The opening MCU TITLE CARD features TOM HOLLAND vanishing from various scenes, reminding us how the DR STRANGE SPELL erased him from everyone's memories, while waaaaayyy off in the corner various scenes of JONATHAN MAJORS are hastily shredded and incinerated and never existed in the first place shut up.

EXT. LONDON, ENGLAND NEW YORK CITY

Years after the events of FAR FROM HOME--no wait, that was the Gyllenhaal one, I mean, um... okay HOMECOMING was for sure first, so... NO WAY HOME, that's it--TOM HOLLAND still has not managed to reveal the truth to ZENDAYA or JACOB BATALON.

TOM HOLLAND

I totally will though! Just as soon as I come up with an explanation for how Cumberbatch's spell erased all records of me in their cell phones, while preserving all records of me in government databases and DowneyCorp's payroll.

With not needing a DAY JOB and all kinds of AVOIDANCE to do, this allows SPIDEY-TOM to fight crime 24/7, when he's not busy buying BODEGA FLOWERS!

SPIDEY-TOM

(clobbering goons at a furious 35.9 CCPM (classic covers per minute))

Pow! Biff! Kerbam! Yeah I signed up for the Reed Richards school of "I could probably end all crime in the city if I just bothered to". Thanks to me all super-villainy in New York has been squashed, PLUS every major crime family! Anyone else's New York crime-fighting must appear laughably insignificant next to THIS.

CHARLIE COX

(fuming)

Suddenly SPIDEY-TOM'S phone blasts an alert of a RUNAWAY TANK downtown! He races to stop it at the same time as JON BERNTHAL AKA THE PUNISHER, first introduced on TV but now elevated to MAJOR SUPPORTING MOVIE ROLE!

CHARLIE COX

(fuming intensifies)

JON BERNTHAL

RUUHHHRR OUTTA THUH WAY SPIDEY! That tank is crashing through things and shooting ordinance everywhere! I gotta stop it by crashing through things and shooting ordinance everywhere!

SPIDEY-TOM

Guess this is one of those times I remind you that I'm a superhero and you're a dude with guns.

(clobbers Jon)

Now I'm gonna deal with the tank MY way, by letting it drag me everywhere until it crashes into its objective, thus succeeding in its plan!

This HAPPENS and the tank crashes into the NEW YORK HQ of... DAMAGE CONTROL, the one and only institution of tech-savvy humans dealing with MCU's superheroes!

CLARK GREGG AND CHLOE BENNETT

(co-fume)

SPIDEY-TOM rips open the TANK revealing the driver to be a NON-FAMOUS PERSON!

SPIDEY-TOM

Well that can't be my ACTUAL foe in this movie, I mean, they're not famous. What gives?

Suddenly a whole CHAIN of NON-FAMOUS CHARACTER ACTORS twitch and flail as though part of some HIDEOUS THEATRE SCHOOL EXERCISE! The chain ends with a GUARD on the roof who is promptly WEBBED UP by SPIDEY-TOM.

SPIDEY-TOM

Now talk! I demand you explain the whole movie right now even though we're barely fifteen minutes in!

GUARD

I thought instead I'd just leap into YOUR mind--

(flinches)

--except I can't, because of... your Spider-Sense...???

SPIDEY-TOM

Yeah let's go with that, after all there's not really a movie otherwise.

GUARD

Fine, I'll stop possessing this guy and just leave. But not without blowing up that tank, which doesn't actually help me or achieve anything! Bwah ha ha!

TANK

(explodes, pointlessly)

After buying some BODEGA FLOWERS, SPIDEY-TOM returns to street level to check in with his police contact LIZA COLON-ZAYAS, fresh back from Chicago after defeating notorious supervillain THE BEAR.

LIZA COLON-ZAYAS

Yay, it's the early part of the movie where I get lots of scenes! Stupid middle and end part. Anyway Spidey, what do you think happened here?

SPIDEY-TOM

It seemed like it might have been...

(gulps)

...MMMMMMMMmmmind control. Luckily I happen to know someone with some experience in that field.

LIZA COLON-ZAYAS

Ah so you'll reach out to someone who fought Loki or Ultron or the Leader or the Red Room or Scarlet Witch or Purple Man, someone like Renner or Saarsgard or Ruffalo or Mackie or Kim or Pugh or Kurylenko or Cumberbatch or Wong or Ritter or Dennings or Keogh or

SPIDEY-TOM

Um yeah I was thinking Florence Pugh cause we're really trying to push this whole "New Avengers" plotline, I sure as fuck hope someone out there cares.

INT. NEW YORK BATHHOUSE

The PRODUCTION BUDGET forgets to earmark funds for AVENGERS TOWER scenes so instead they happen at an OLD BATHHOUSE which was available. SPIDEY-TOM arrives with BODEGA FLOWERS which unlocks the dialogue cutscene.

FLORENCE PUGH

So some mysterious foe is attacking Damage Control locations, looking for something called "V-Max". There's nothing in Marvel Wiki, so either we're introducing a newly invented character with no links to the comics

(production halts while entire cast and crew doubles over laughing for three solid weeks)

or we're hyping up something that won't matter beyond this movie, which seems more our speed.

SPIDEY-TOM

Well, Damage Control has all kinds of dangerous tech that could be hugely catastrophic if someone evil got it, so could you, y'know, help?

FLORENCE PUGH

Hm I've decided this is just small potatoes to us Avengers. We deal with big potatoes like one piece of concrete wall that's about to slowly fall over. Now scram so I can film my half of my second scene and then go home.

INT. DAMAGE CONTROL HQ, NEW YORK

SPIDEY-TOM buys some BODEGA FLOWERS and then goes to look for clues at DAMAGE CONTROL where he is greeted by head guy TRAMELL TILLMAN.

TRAMELL TILLMAN

Welcome to Damage Control! You've already met our special security force, the five supernatural assassins known as... THE HAND!

(flourish)

SPIDEY-TOM

I swear on Daredevil there were like hundreds of those guys. How did they go from being supernatural enemies to employees exactly?

HAND LEADER WHO WE'LL CALL "MIDDLE FINGER"

Look, we may be immortal warriors but we need dental insurance too, y'know. Have you SEEN what three-thousand-year plaque buildup looks like?!?

SPIDEY-TOM proceeds to learn basically NOTHING but does at least set up a CHEKHOV'S SHOCKER GAUNTLET that totally fails to pay off later.

INT. ZENDAYA AND JACOB'S PLACE

TOM buys some BODEGA FLOWERS to take to ZENDAYA and JACOB'S APARTMENTWARMING.

JACOB BATALON

Hi there! I'm obsessed with Spider-Man, and I've narrowed his identity down to two supporting actors we couldn't find room for in this movie. Which, if Spider-Man actually WERE one of these guys, would be quite the dick move for me to constantly blab this to complete strangers. On that note, I'm Jacob and you are-?

TOM HOLLAND

Uh, my name is... MAY-belline, I mean AUNT-ie Entity, I mean, er... Withgreatpowercomesgreatresponsibility-thew, yeah that's it, ha ha.

ZENDAYA

Cool to met you, Withgreatpowercomesgreatresponsibilitythew, I'm MJ and this is my boyfriend, ItsbeenfourgoddamnyearsdidyoureallythinkIdstillbesingle-athan.

TOM HOLLAND

(gulps)

UM I JUST REMEMBERED I GOTTA BE SAD SOMEWHERE BYE

TOM flees and indulges in some SOB-SLINGING before passing out at home.

INT. TOM'S RAT-TRAPARTMENT

TOM wakes up in a GIANT WEB COCCOON! He runs his DNA through the computer.

COMPUTER

Your DNA balance has shifted. It is now 40% human, 50% arachnid, and 10% bodega flowers. This will increase your sensory input dramatically! Your ability to process sensory input however remains unchanged, because it's funnier that way.

TOM HOLLAND

(sensory overload)

Well shit. No time to worry about this now, my cop-scanner says Scorpion's on the attack! I'll just have to adjust on the fly to my new wrist-jizz webbing--or should I say, adjust on the "spider", heh heh

(crashes head-first into water tower)

Ow.

SPIDEY-TOM successfully contains SCORPION but not his RAPIDLY MUTATING POWERS, causing him to FLING a COP CAR NOOOOOO!!

SPIDEY-TOM

...but we throw cop cars around like confetti every movie and everyone's fine?

(YOU'RE LOSING IT TOM, GO GET HELP RIGHT NOW, PREFERABLY FROM AN ESTABLISHED MCU CHARACTER!!)

INT. UNIVERSITY

TOM dutifully buys some BODEGA FLOWERS and then goes to see UNIVERSITY LECTURER MARK RUFFALO.

MARK RUFFALO

(lecturing)

And so as we see, any alleged problems with any part of Infinity War-Endgame are easily explained by "HULK SMASH" so fuck you. See y'all next time!

TOM HOLLAND

(aside)

Hi Dr. Ruffalo, I'm a totally normal grad student here. I was wondering about your inhibitor device and whether it could be modified to help a purely hypothetical super-powered being undergoing spontaneous DNA mutations because, ah, it's my thesis?

MARK RUFFALO

Well to answer your question, yes it could. But let me ask you this: if you WERE able to make such a device, and that device could decide WHO kept their superpowers and who didn't, wouldn't you run the risk of re-doing the whole Civil War storyline when really, once was plenty??

TOM HOLLAND

I'll just have to TAKE that risk! ...of writing that thesis. Ha ha.

MARK RUFFALO

Just no symposiums, please.

EXT. NEW YORK ALLEYWAY

SPIDEY-TOM buys some BODEGA FLOWERS and then begins testing his new SPIDEY-INHIBITOR!

SPIDEY-TOM

(exploding web-jizz everywhere)

Still needs work.

RANDOM PASSERBY

Not great, Spidey. Bwah ha it's me, your nemesis! Except now you can't detect my presence because otherwise we can't do the next big scene with Zendaya we have planned.

SPIDEY-TOM

OMG how do you know about me and Zendaya?!? Only someone who's looked at any social media platform at any point over the past five years could possibly know that!!!

ANOTHER RANDOM PASSERBY

Actually I found your rat-trapartment by [SHE JUST DID OKAY] along with your letter to Zendaya you never delivered. And I'm thinking I'll do a mind-hop chain over to her, RIGHT NOW, bwah ha ha!

The CHASE IS ON! But unlike FLEETWOOD MAC, SPIDEY-TOM manages to BREAK THE CHAIN and apparently reach ZENDAYA'S PLACE first!

ZENDAYA

Oh hello Spider-Man yes I believe you that I'm in danger and shall gladly accompany you to a secluded romantic spot gosh thanks.

SPIDEY-TOM

Phew, got here just in time!!

EXT. SECLUDED ROOFTOP COVERED IN SENTIMENTAL INDUSTRIAL PIPES AND MOOD-SETTING CONDENSER UNITS PLUS A TASTEFUL SCATTERING OF BODEGA FLOWERS

SPIDEY-TOM and ZENDAYA delicately land on the moonlit rooftop while THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE waits for TOM to catch on to what's obviously happening.

ZENDAYA

It's so STRANGE how I have this urge to smooch you and play DOCTOR, wink wink.

SPIDEY-TOM

OMG YOU DO REMEMBER YAAYY IT'S ME TOM HOLLAND, HERE'S THE AVENGERS TOWER PASSWORD

ZENDAYA

HA HA HA no it's actually me again, your nemesis! I just want you to understand what will happen if you keep crossing me-

(jumps off roof)

SPIDEY-TOM

Shit, you'll do YET ANOTHER re-iteration of the "Spider-Man's girlfriend dies from a large fall" plot point?? We have done that SO MUCH

(saves Zendaya)

RANDOM PASSERBY

Oh believe me, you have NO IDEA the depths of your comics catalogue I'm willing to draw from. Can you say... Clone Saga?

SPIDEY-TOM

...don't even joke about that

The PASSERBY gets into a car, and in the rear seat we finally see the FACE of the nemesis, none other than-

SADIE SINK

Yes yes it's me, the entire Internet has known I'm playing Jean Grey for months.

(drives off)

SPIDEY-TOM

This is pretty dire, the woman closest to me in the world is in trouble. Not knowing where else to turn, I'm going to seek out Jon Bernthal for help, surely the only time I'll do THAT this summer!

INT. JON BERNTHAL'S HIDEOUT

SPIDEY-TOM and ZENDAYA seek respite from their MANY LOSSES by visiting MENELAUS.

JON BERNTHAL

HHURRRRRRRRR SPIDEY WHATCHA DOIN HUR

SPIDEY-TOM

You gotta help us Jon, a supervillain has threatened Zendaya because of her, ah, complete lack of any connection to me.

JON BERNTHAL

Sure why not, I'm liking this whole "being in movies" thing. C'mon in!

SPIDEY-TOM

Also this is the part where I traditionally reach out to someone with lots of cool technology to help me with my cool technology, could you oblige?

JON BERNTHAL

You think it's EASY to have a gigantic arsenal of overpowered weapons that never kill any innocent bystanders? Fuck yeah I got tech.

They settle in and TOM tries fruitlessly to fix his wonky INHIBITOR.

ZENDAYA

Pardon me but I noticed that we've really amped up the expression of your Spidey-eyes this time around, so maybe that extra complication is the issue.

SPIDEY-TOM

(adjusts one thing)

OMG that did it, now I'm back to 45/45 human/spider, yay! I'm all set to take on Sadie Sink the minute my city-wide face-scanning bio-surveillance network pings her!

ZENDAYA AND JON BERNTHAL

(blink)

your city-wide what now

SPIDEY-TOM

Oh remember that thing Bat-Bale built that was too dark and sinister and evil to be allowed to exist? Like that, but fun and zany!

(grins)

Anyway I've also built a universal inhibitor that will neutralize Sadie's powers, or anyone else's it attaches to. Oh and check THIS out, it's a machine that rounds up neurodivergent people-

ZENDAYA

OH MY GOD JUST LEAVE NOW.

(pause)

Maybe you should go too Jon, before Tom tries implementing a Final Solution or something.

INT. DAMAGE CONTROL UNCONTROLLED DAMAGE HQ

Over at DAMAGE CONTROL, SADIE has possessed HULK RUFFALO and is using him to HULK SMASH into a SECRET VAULT! JON and SPIDEY-TOM quickly buy some BODEGA FLOWERS and then race over!

JON BERNTHAL

Oh thank fuck, someone I can shoot at and actually hit!

(empties machine gun clip at Ruffalo)

Almost forgot who my character was.

Since SPIDEY-TOM matches well against both opposing fighters and JON is useless against both, they SPLIT UP anyway and sure enough SADIE possesses JON in less time than it took to un-renew WONDER MAN.

SPIDEY-TOM

Well at least she's not controlling Ruffalo anymore, so now he can help!

HULK RUFFALO

Hm that's true, so... ARRGH THE AFTER-EFFECTS OF THE MMMMMIND CONTROL ARE KICKING IN! TURNING INTO PURE SAVAGE HULK ALLOWS OUR FIGHT SCENE TO CONTINUE!

SPIDEY-TOM

(actual line)

I didn't know you could GET that big.

(80,000 terabytes of fanfic happen)

SPIDEY-TOM and BIGGER HULK RUFFALO have a HUGE FIGHT but just when it looks like CURTAINS for SPIDEY-TOM, RUFFALO manages to remember his humanity and allows himself to FALL amongst tons of debris to the street below!!

SPIDEY-TOM

Wow, Ruffalo may have just sacrificed himself for me, a guy he doesn't even know. This is definitely something I'll remember past this scene and feel some kind of obligation about.

But at that moment SADIE has TRAMELL at BERNTHALPOINT... until SPIDEY-TOM swoops in and slaps the UNIVERSAL INHIBITOR on SADIE, allowing TRAMELL to shoot her with tranquilizer darts!

TRAMELL TILLMAN

I wasn't sure if this Jean Grey is a regular human mutant or an intergalactic psychic being of pure energy, so I used one of each dose. Thanks Spidey!

SPIDEY-TOM

Huh, just as she passed out Sadie said something about "my sister..."

TRAMELL TILLMAN

AH NOPE SHE SAID "MICE IS DURRRR" BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW MICE ARE DUMB ASSHOLES NOW FUCK OFF PLEASE THANKS AGAIN BYYYEEEEEEE

SPIDEY-TOM

Welp, long as we saved the day!

(web-slings away, whistling)

MARK RUFFALO

(being wheeled off to asylum)

little help please

INT. THE BERNTHALL OF JUSTICE

SPIDEY-TOM returns to find that ZENDAYA has found... THE LETTER!

SPIDEY-TOM

(gulps)

ZENDAYA

I gotta say, it's extremely upsetting to learn that we've arrived at the exact same dynamic as Pratt and Saladana from Guardians 3. Like, how many times can the MCU play this card, y'know?

KRYSTEN RITTER

(to whiskey bottle)

YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER MEEEEEEE

ZENDAYA

But I think we can at least handle this more maturely than they did. You should come round, hang with me and Jacob a bit. In full costume of course, in case there's any more supervillains out looking to hurt people close to you.

SPIDEY-TOM

(thumbs-up)

INT. ZENDAYA AND JACOB'S HAPPENING PAD

SPIDEY-TOM picks up some BODEGA FLOWERS and then bonds with JACOB over LEGOS and DISNEY and STAR WARS and MORE LEGO and HULU ORIGINALS DEPENDING ON YOUR REGION.

ZENDAYA

Huh according to this science article, mice are super-intelligent and courteous.

SPIDEY-TOM

Whaaa?!? So.. mice are NOT durr! Tramell... was LYING to me! Sadie was just looking for her sister this whole time, she's totally innocent!

ZENDAYA

Well, that whole tank adventure caused tons of injuries and damage, got innocent people arrested...

SPIDEY-TOM

Yeah, but, she was LOOKING for her SISTER!

JACOB BATALON

Plus Mark Ruffalo just had his entire life and career destroyed and is locked up in an asylum right now...

SPIDEY-TOM

But her SISTER-

ZENDAYA

Plus that guy she WALKED INTO TRAFFIC and who got SMOOSHED BY A SPEEDING CAR and whom she FLAT-OUT FUCKING MURDERED...

SPIDEY-TOM

LOOKING FOR YOUR SISTER WIPES OUT ANY AND ALL WRONGDOING OKAY GOTTA GO

INT. DAMAGE CONTROL - TOP SECRET DANGEROUS EXPERIMENTS ROOM

TRAMELL has hooked up a restrained SADIE to experimental apparatus!

TRAMELL TILLMAN

Please note how I've painstakingly re-created a room from your childhood. And NOW note how it smoothly retracts into the ceiling, revealing the bare stark laboratory, and making everyone wonder what the fuck the point of all that painstaking detail was!

SADIE SINK

I guess the point was to keep that overhead fan with the "V-Max" sticker, so I'd realize that last psychic clue from my missing sister was from this same room. And from that I deduce she died here! Or is stashed away in another room, but since comics Jean Grey has no sister, I'm going with died! Ooooh this makes me SOOOO ANGRYYYYY

TRAMELL TILLMAN

Well it's not like Jean Grey losing control has ever gone bad for anyone ha ha ha

(checks Marvel wiki)

oops

SADIE spontaneously LEVELS UP and BUSTS FREE, unleashing a giant SOAP BUBBLE that engulfs TWENTY SQUARE BLOCKS and FREEZES everyone inside, even JAMES MARSDEN and FAMKE JANSSEN ZENDAYA and JACOB BATALON!

INT. DAMAGE DA MMMMMMIND CONTROL

SPIDEY-TOM beats up some GUARDS using BODEGA FLOWERS and then bursts inside!

JON BERNTHAL

(on radio)

RUHHRRRR HURRY UP SPIDEY-TOM! If you don't fix this soon I'm gonna use my now-superhuman marksmanship powers to snipe Sadie! Fuck it, everyone ELSE is leveling up their powers.

SPIDEY-TOM

I can fix this Jon! I just gotta get past the mind-controlled immortal ninjas and

(pwned)

Ow, I thought I defeated these guys before?

MIDDLE FINGER (CHANNELING SADIE SINK)

Hive mind bonus I guess. So, are you going to go Full Spider, and lose your humanity to try and defeat me?!? Bwah ha, what a dilemma you face!!

SPIDEY-TOM

You're forgetting that any medical issue, from PTSD right down to your own DNA, can be completely resolved by just taking a deep breath in the third act.

(does so)

There, genetic crisis over! I'll have that cake AND eat it too, thanks.

The EVEN MORE SPECTACULAR SPIDEY-TOM completely STOMPS the HAND and comes FACE-TO-FACE with SADIE!

SADIE SINK

Stop right there or I kill Mr. Milchuck, and what happens to Severance Season 3 THEN, huh?!?

SPIDEY-TOM

I'm not here to fistfight you. Florence taught me the Thunderbolts* move where we grapple with our EMOTIONS instead...

TOM draws SADIE into HIS MIND!

INT. TOM'S MIND

We see that TOM'S MIND is built around a single conversation with MARISA TOMEI, the same one we saw earlier which suggests this is LITERALLY THE ONLY THING TOM EVER THINKS ABOUT.

MARISA TOMEI

Well well, you can kill me off but look whose job it is to fix everyone's moral compass, AGAIN. You're welcome.

SADIE SINK

She's right, I've just been lashing out with all that possession and murder and sexual assault and driving people insane.

(sad eyes)

TOM HOLLAND

It'll be okay, "X-Men '97" has an 84% audience Tomatometer so I'm sure people will forgive.

Just then a SHOT RINGS OUT... from JON BERNTHAL! TOM uses his new enhanced powered-up reflexes to shove Sadie and dodge the bullet stand in front of Sadie and take the bullet!

SPIDEY-TOM

(gushing blood everywhere)

Ow. I'll be okay Sadie, you need to run. Make sure to take a bus out of town, as that is the recognized Travel Method of Penance. Urk ack

(passes out)

INT. NEW YORK HOSPITAL

With the SOAP BUBBLE dissipated, JON manages to get SPIDEY-TOM to hospital, not even stopping for BODEGA FLOWERS!

JON BERNTHAL

(bellowing)

ATTENTION ENTIRE HOSPITAL! I, KNOWN VIGILANTE FRANK CASTLE WITH A ZILLION OUTSTANDING WARRANTS FOR SHOOTING GUYS, REQUIRE ASSISTANCE FOR THIS GUY I JUST SHOT

Over the next few days TOM manages to recover, watched over by JON, while multiple shifts of regular doctors and nurses somehow manage to FIGHT OFF wave after wave of their sworn enemies.

TOM HOLLAND

It sure is nice that after Ego Narcissist "I'll make you a mini-me" Dad, and Detached Overindulgent "I changed reality for you now scram" Dad, I've finally found my Best Dad.

JON BERNTHAL

(tearing up)

Yeah who'da thunk. I really am becoming quite the softie

(empties twin Uzis into passing drug dealer)

Ah that's better. Anyway we've been here for days parading about our secret identities, we should probably leave now.

INT. BODEGA WHICH SOMEHOW STILL HAS FLOWERS IN STOCK

TOM HOLLAND comes in to buy BODEGA FLOWERS even though he just left BODEGA FLOWERS at MARISA TOMEI'S GRAVE suggesting that the scene order was switched at the last minute. He finds JACOB there and they do their SPECIAL FRIEND HANDSHAKE!

JACOB BATALON

OMG I REMEMBER, the muscle memory of our handshake broke the spell! Hm, did you and Zendaya have any special personal hand stuff that might-

TOM HOLLAND

ACHOOCOUGHCOUGH WOW SO GLAD YOU REMEMBER LET'S END THE MOVIE RIGHT HERE OKAY BYYYEEEE

END

EXT. POST-CREDIT SCENE

MARK RUFFALO wallows in abject misery and despair while isolated in an asylum WACKY ANIMATION suggests SPIDEY-TOM will be back in SECRET WARS YAAYYYY!!!!