FADE IN:

TITLE CARD: JUST A REMINDER THE ODYSSEY IS A FICTIONAL STORY AND THE GREEK GODS WEREN'T REAL-LIFE PEOPLE SO MAYBE EVERYONE JUST FUCKING CHILL IT WAS A TIME OF MAGIC...

EXT. THE TROJAN BEACH, WHICH IS LIKE A REGULAR BEACH BUT FULL OF DUDES

We open on a GIANT ASS WOODEN HORSE stuck askew in the sand. GREEK SOLDIER ELLIOT PAGE stands beside it as a group of TROJANS approach.

ELLIOT PAGE

They did it didn't they, they built a giant wooden horse! YOU MANIACS

(pounds beach)

Ahem. Greetings Trojan warriors, you are bound by the law of Zeus to accept this gift.

TROJANS

True, luckily the law of Zeus doesn't say shit about gift-GIVERS apparently.

(spear Elliot)

Hurrah, we have defeated the mighty Achilles!! Hurrah!

ELLIOT PAGE

for fuck's sake that was a dumb internet rumour, achilles isn't even IN the fucking odyssey

(dies)

TROJANS

Right, now to drag this huge-ass thousand-ton hunk of wood through a few miles of sand into the city. SOME adaptations put fucking wheels on this thing, just saying.

INT. STATELY DAMON MANOR AKA CASTLE HATHAWAY, ITHACA - TEN YEARS AFTER THE TROJAN WAR

While ANNE HATHAWAY and TOM HOLLAND wait for MATT DAMON to return, they are forced to constantly feed DOZENS OF BOORISH ASSHOLE SUITORS who refuse to leave. Luckily their pantry is stocked with SEARING HOT TAKES and EMBROILED DISCOURSE about the movie, the supply of which is roughly INFINITE.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Wow did we just jump ahead ten years? I bet we jump back again later. Classic Chris Nolan temporal shenanigans!

HOMERIC SCHOLARS

(facepalm)

TOM HOLLAND

Ooh I hate how the law of Zeus demands we host these assholes indefinitely! Just you wait, my DAD is gonna come back, you hear me? Then you'll answer to my DAD! Taking advantage of our hospitality is so cringe! Six seven!

(does whatever replaced dabbing)

IDIOTS IN AUDIENCE

Whaaa?!? Everyone knows the ancient Greeks all talked exactly like nineteenth-century British aristocrats!

(aneurysms)

ROBERT PATTINSON

(chewing free food, scenery)

You'll have to accept Matt is dead someday, Anne, and choose one of us as the new King! Though the endless comp buffet is pretty sweet so, y'know, no rush

(burps)

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

(wizenedly)

Bah, you're all a disgrace. Even I, head servant, have more dignity in my non-functioning eyes than all of you! Even Matt's 3,000-year-old hunting dog has more backbone!

DECREPIT OLD DOG

(does nothing)

(is most beloved character in movie)

JERKASS SUITOR

I think I'll kick the dog around a bit, then Anne is SURE to choose me!

(kicks)

(is cinema's greatest monster)

TOM HOLLAND

Hey quit that!

(attacks)

(pwned)

Shit, I forgot my youthful spunkiness isn't backed up by any skill or power in this universe.

ROBERT PATTINSON

NOW NOW let's all settle down, I shall gallantly throw the old dog on a pile of shit outside, now surely I'm the lead candidate for Anne!

(grins)

ANNE HATHAWAY

Must I remind you that I've sworn not to choose anyone until I finish my loom project! Now let's see, *(K8, k2tog), repeat * around [54 (63, 72)]... ACHOOO-

(tears off three days' work)

-OOOOO, yep, be done any month now!

TOM HOLLAND

This is pretty dire, the woman closest to me in the world is in trouble. Not knowing where else to turn, I'm going to seek out Jon Bernthal for help, surely the only time I'll do THAT this summer!

INT. CASTLE PUNISHANE

TOM stealthily sneaks out of his HOME CASTLE to visit FRANK CASTLE.

JON BERNTHAL

Since everyone's just talking like themselves why not bring in the MOST "Guy Who Always Talks Like Himself" guy there is? So you wanna know about Matt Damon huh? You wanna know the story of the MOST guilt-ridden participant of the whole Trojan War?

LUPITA NYONG'O

I mean as the person who kind of got it all started I might ALSO have something to say about-

JON BERNTHAL

Woah careful careful, don't wanna use up all your allotted words of dialogue in one shot there darlin. And remember you gotta split up your limited ration amongst multiple characters and almost five minutes of screen time.

LUPITA NYONG'O

Yeah I mean it hardly seems like a role worth getting all upset over does it, and oops I'm out of words.

JON BERNTHAL

But yeah who knows what the fuck happened to Matt?!? WHO... INDEED??

(arches eyebrow toward camera)

EXT. MEANWHILE MATT IS AT THERON PLACE AT THERON TIME

It turns out MATT has been busy cavorting about with none other than...

CHARLIZE THERON

Here, Matt, eat more of this bizarre magical flower that makes you want to just hang out on a beach having sexytimes with me, Charlize Theron.

MATT DAMON

I don't know, I have these troubled thoughts and NOM NOM NOM NOM

(crams face with lotus flowers)

(chugs Amnesia-Cola)

Aah, it's no good, it doesn't work anymore. I have to remember who I am and what I did.

CHARLIZE THERON

You sure? I mean no offence but when I think mythic Greek hero, Matt Damon is not exactly the first person who leaps to mind. I would probably cast Jason Mantzoukas ahead of you.

MATT DAMON

Don't worry, that's why this version of Odysseus is a modern-talking unstoppable action hero with a faulty memory, and this is basically Jason Bourne and the Argonauts. But now that I've regained my IDENTITY, it's time to issue my wife's suitors an ULTIMATUM and re-establish my SUPREMACY! But first, let's revisit my LEGACY.

CHARLIZE THERON

Actually maybe I'm okay with you leaving.

EXT. FLASHBACK - THE FALL OF TROY (DON'T GET COMFY ABED, YOU'RE NEXT)

The GREEK ARMY celebrates the end of the three-year siege.

AGGAMEMNON

(kegging)

AW YEAH FUCK THOSE TROY LOSERS LET'S GO HOME BOYS

MATT DAMON

Hm, sure I could lead my boats down the easy path back home, like the entire rest of our army is doing. Back to glory and wealth and our families and loved ones. But then again... maybe not. Who's up for taking a completely new, uncharted path home that might get us all killed instead?

HIMESH PATEL

Um if this has something to do with your war guilt could you maybe just doom yourself and not three entire ships' worth of soldiers?

MATT DAMON

Nope! I need a band of my most trusted, battle-hardened cannon fodder, I mean sacrificial lambs, I mean meat for the grinder, I mean redshirts, I mean lemmings, in enough quantity that a bunch can be killed off in each encounter while still leaving enough for next time. Let us away! Wait that's too old-timey, I mean COWABUNGA DUDES!

EXT. TOTALLY INNOCENT-LOOKING FUNTIMES ISLAND OF HAPPINESS

MATT and the boyz land and search for food. They spot a SHEEP!

MATT DAMON

Wait! Leave this one sheep alone, let's follow it until the entire flock is cornered in one spot like a bunch of dumb stupid idiot animals.

The ENTIRE GROUP diligently follow the FLOCK into a dark giant cave and get themselves cornered in one spot like a brave group of brilliant heroic warriors.

GIANT CYCLOPS

HEYYY YOUUU GUYYYYYYS

(munches soldiers)

Luckily after eating a few people the CYCLOPS loses interest in the whole human-infestation thing and settles in for a nice nap.

HIMESH PATEL

Ooh, this is where you do the classic "My name is Nobody" routine to outwit the beast, setting up our clever escape!

MATT DAMON

Nah, that's one of the few parts a lot of people actually remember, so we should skip it. And we should make a joke about how we skipped over it, just to rub it in. Now let's stab this thing in the eye while it sleeps, we can at least still do the sheep-escape routine.

They STAB the CYCLOPS who still calls to POSEIDON for help, but the gang escape anyway implying the whole famous NOBODY routine was just so much time-wasting bullshit.

BOB OEDENKIRK

(pouts)

EXT. TOTALLY NORMAL REGULAR ISLAND, NOTHING SUSPICIOUS HERE

MATT and the boyz land on another island.

HIMESH PATEL

It's risky landing on these unknown islands, but we've also heard rumours of "peoples from the sea" who are even scarier! And sneaky too, the whole time WE'VE been at sea, we haven't even SEEN any other people! And no matter how many times we land and terrorize people for information and take their food, we haven't been able to learn anything more about these mysterious, wandering, desperate, heavily-armed sea bandits.

MATT DAMON

It's a puzzler all right. Well, we already found Giant Island, so whatever else might be here, we can probably cross that one off the-

GIANTS

HAHAHA NOPE IT'S MORE GIANTS, ASSHOLES

MATT DAMON

SHIT! Quick, send our 4'5" stunt doubles to go fight the 7'2" stunt actors while we run away! Thank fuck for Nolan's dedication to practical effects.

TINY-SIZED STUNT DOUBLES

WE'RE JUST HAPPY TO DIE IN THE SERVICE OF CINEMAAAAAAA

(slaughtered)

EXT. BARNUM AND CIRCE'S CIRCUS-ANIMAL EMPORIUM ISLAND

MATT and the boyz land and-

HIMESH PATEL

Okay WAIT. Every time we land there's some horrible danger that Matt's led us to. So to punish him, this time HE has to wait by the shore while WE all walk into unknown peril! So there!

MATT DAMON

(blinks)

....okay?

HIMESH and the boyz head inland, passing a LION and a PANTHER and a SEAL BALANCING A BEACHBALL ON ITS NOSE finally finding a small hut containing SAMANTHA MORTON aka CIRCE!

SAMANTHA MORTON

Aieee! Don't hurt me, I'm not the "Eternals" version, I swear!

HIMESH PATEL

It's okay, we mean no harm! Just need some food, we're starving. But we promise to be respectful, we won't PIG OUT or anything.

SAMANTHA MORTON

(pause)

Well with THAT setup, what else can I do.

SAMANTHA uses her WITCH POWERS to make HIMESH all HAMMISH and transform all the men into literal PIGS, AMERICAN-WEREWOLF-IN-LONDON-PRACTICAL-EFFECT-STYLE! But then MATT shows up.

MATT DAMON

So I was hanging around, plucking my bow AND YES I MEAN THAT LITERALLY, when this deer I shot turned into a dude who didn't taste NEARLY as good. Can you kindly un-transform my boyz please.

SAMANTHA MORTON

Ugh FINE. Here they are, good as new. I assume you're okay with all the other random people still living as animals for eternity on this island?

MATT DAMON

(shrugs)

Fuck 'em. Say, don't suppose you have any hints on getting home?

SAMANTHA MORTON

You must sail to HADES, the LAND OF THE DEAD. Which unlike Ithaca is super easy to find, here's a Rick Steeves Guide.

EXT. HADES, THE WRETCHED LAND OF CURSED, DAMNED SOULS WHO REFUSED TO WATCH THIS IN 70MM IMAX

Upon arriving, the remaining crew prepare to speak to people from the underworld, starting with HEAD GENERAL AGAMMEMNON.

HIMESH PATEL

Oh wow this guy's had his helmet on all movie, and then we just glimpsed the back of his head, is this where we finally see who it is? Oooh is it Tom Hardy? Christian Bale? Cillian Murphy? Ken Branagh? Michael Caine? Guy Pearce? Hugh Jackman? Joe Pantoliano?

BENNY SAFDIE

Nope surprise it's me, character actor Benny Safdie! Sorry for all that dramatic buildup that really made it seem like I'd be famous. Anyway I'm here to advise Matt not to make the same fatal mistake I did, and expect a hero's welcome.

MATT DAMON

Okay but I think that's because you MURDERED YOUR OWN DAUGHTER just to get the Soul Stone, I mean, a better breeze. But I take your point.

BENNY SAFDIE

And now you must face the TRUE weight of your conscience, represented by Undead Elliot Page!

UNDEAD ELLIOT PAGE

(dramatically shuffles forward)

Dude.

MATT DAMON

(apologetically)

Dude...

UNDEAD ELLIOT PAGE

DUDE.

MATT DAMON

(bows head)

Sorry dude.

BENNY SAFDIE

All that remains is for you to receive the final spoiler, I mean prophecy. Basically only Matt Damon gets to survive, the rest of you are fuuuuucked. Unless we just eat you right here, c'mon gang!

MATT DAMON

SHIT EVERYONE RUN AWAY! WE HAVEN'T RUN AWAY FROM A MENACE IN LIKE TEN MINUTES

EXT. THE OCEAN, CONTINUING WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A THREE-HOUR TOUR

MATT and the boyz set out to brave the dangers which have been guaranteed to kill everyone but MATT, so place your bets now.

HIMESH PATEL

So far all the danger has been on land. Maybe if we remain on the water?

(giant tentacles appear, devour crewmembers)

Fuck's sake.

MATT DAMON

And now we approach the Sirens! Everyone plug their ears except me, who shall be tied to the mast. I must hear the Siren song!

HIMESH PATEL

Because you'll give a signal as to when we're clear, right? It's not just "because I wanna", right?

MATT DAMON

The signal will be when I stop contorting my entire face. Now plug!

The crew follow orders, and watch as MATT does his impersonation of GARY OLDMAN FROM THE PROFESSIONAL DOING THE "EVERRRRYYYYOOOONNE" MEME. Finally he stops.

HIMESH PATEL

(untying Matt)

So... how bad was it? What did they sing?

MATT DAMON

(shuddering)

...w-w-w... wor... world cup, hallelujah...

(projectile vomits)

HIMESH PATEL

You poor bastard.

(projectile vomits)

EXT. FINAL ISLAND OF SUPREME BLISS, THIS TIME FOR SURE, DID YOU KNOW THIS POEM INSPIRED LUCY AND THE FOOTBALL WELL NOW YOU DO

MATT and the remaining lost boyz land on the island.

MATT DAMON

Remember, this place has one rule, DO NOT eat the cattle. The cattle belong to the Sun God, so if we eat them, we die. It really can't be spelled out any clearer.

HIMESH PATEL

But cruelly, the Gods refuse to give us any sailing wind to leave this island, and our food has run out. And I guess we refuse to try rowing, so it's either starve or risk the wrath of the Sun God, hm it's hard to weigh the risks on an empty stomach NOM NOM NOM NOM

(devours dozen steaks)

MATT DAMON

(sighs)

The WIND finally picks up and so they SET SAIL--into a MASSIVE STORM! Everyone but MATT becomes SEA FOOD and he washes up on CHARLIZE ISLAND.

EXT. AAAND WE'RE CAUGHT UP TO CHARLIZE ISLAND, AT LEAST

CHARLIZE THERON

Anyhoo. To leave this place you must surrender to the ocean, even though the ocean hates you. Just float out and go wherever it leads.

(pause)

Actually Ithica is like next door I'm just messing with you, you'll drift for like ten feet and be practically home.

Indeed, MATT trusts the currents and arrives home, just in time to learn that TOM HOLLAND is in grave danger! He leaps into DISGUISE and ACTION, in THAT ORDER!

INT. TEMPLE TO MOUSKOURI, GREEK GODDESS OF MUSIC

On his significantly shorter journey back to Ithaca, TOM HOLLAND has stopped for rest at the temple with his mentor MENTOR who is the source of the term MENTOR, plus his valet VALET and his hype man HYPEMAN.

ASSASSIN

Pardon me, would you like to make a donation? Of your BLOOD?!?

TOM HOLLAND

Gosh I didn't think blood donation was invented for thousands of years still OH WAIT you mean kill me hahaha

DISGUISED MATT DAMON

IT'S ODYSSIN' TIME

(opens amphora of whup-ass)

MATT utterly demolishes the ASSASSINS, in case you were worried the final boss of A BUNCH OF DRUNK IDIOTS might actually be a threat, and escorts TOM back to ITHACA.

INT. BACK AT CASTLE HATHAWAY

MATT and TOM reach the castle, and MATT pets his long-suffering DOG who finally allows himself to DIE, and for some reason we are supposed to STILL GIVE A SHIT about anything that happens next. Anyhoo they enter the banquet hall.

MATT DAMON

(still disguised)

Ah, all my enemies in one place, I could take my vengeance right now. But it's not like we set out to make a SHORT movie amirite.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Welcome stranger. I don't suppose you have any word of Matt Damon?

MATT DAMON

I can tell you Damon lives. But I'm not sure he is ready to come back, for he is wracked with guilt over the weapon of mass destruction that he created. And for those who wondered why Nolan followed Oppenheimer with this, it's about to become staggeringly, mind-numbingly clear.

We flash back one more time to where MATT'S TROOPS emerge from the TROJAN HORSE and slaughter the entire city, making a cruel mockery of ZEUS'S laws of hospitality!

MATT DAMON (FLASHBACK)

I AM BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF SOCIAL CONTRACTS WHICH ARE WHAT MAKES CIVILIZATION POSSIBLE

ZENDAYA

Look, I'm one of the murdered Trojans! So this whole time maybe I wasn't Athena, but a manifestation of Matt's guilt!

(pause)

What? I've been in the movie all along, I promise.

INT. CASTLE HATHAWAY - THE NEXT NIGHT

ANNE decides to hold a BOW-STRINGING CONTEST for her hand in marriage.

ANNE HATHAWAY

(aside)

Tom, make sure all the weapons in the room get moved far, far away. I have a crazy hunch Matt might be coming round to kick ass tonight.

TOM HOLLAND

Right, so I should move the weapons to some totally different part of the island, yes? Like, more than one single destroyable barrier should stand between this room and an entire armory of weapons?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Sure! Or put them directly upstairs, I'm sure that works too.

The CONTEST happens and everyone FAILS except for...

MATT DAMON

(doing "Wyld Stallyns" riff on longbow)

y'all are fucked now

RANDOM ASSHOLE

Not so fast! I'll run upstairs and throw weapons through the floor, ha ha! Though with all the fast cuts and lightning and shit it'll be kind of hard to follow all that.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Yeah plus it is kind of dark and shadowy down here. I'll help the audience by shouting out the names of weapons you throw down, as I cower uselessly!

(bellowing)

Swords! Spears! Bows! Daggers! Swords +1! Glaives! Lances! Batons! The One Ring! BFG! Prototype fin! Boxers' fists! Sonic screwdriver! Phasers! Katanas! Flails! Studded maces! Mace! Mace's lightsaber! Proton packs! Excalibur! Kinetic-energy-enhanced playing cards! Chainsaws! Blunderbusses! The HMS Surprise! Slingshots! Billy clubs! Batarangs! Ooh maybe that last one...

MATT finally finishes MASSACRING ALL THE SUITORS, saving ROBERT PATTINSON for last.

MATT DAMON

Oh and what's more, NOT ONLY have I managed to hang on to the tiny ornamental pin my wife gave me, I ALSO still have the tiny slim wooden doohickey that proves Pattinson was a slimy draft dodger! Plus here's my ticket stub from the original Matrix, and a replacement minute-hand for my old Timex, and oh gosh I do have a lot of arrows in me

(kills Pattinson)

(collapses)

MATT finds himself in ANNE'S arms while just off-camera TOM HOLLAND finishes his own personal dumb fight that nobody cares about. MATT and ANNE share a (final?!?) tender look, and MATT passes out. Is this THE END... of THE ODYSSEY?!??

EXT. THE DOCKS - DAYS LATER

BUT NO! MATT has survived to sail off into the sunset with ANNE, YAY!

MATT DAMON

I'm sure Tom will be a great King now that he managed to kill that one guy. Meanwhile we must discover, what's West of Westeros?

ANNE HATHAWAY

I just hope that SOCIETY can recover from all the VIOLATIONS OF COMMON DECENCY and DEGRADING OF INSTITUTIONAL TRUST that have been inflicted upon it.

MATT DAMON

As do I. WOW THIS ANCIENT TALE SURE WAS RELEVANT TO MODERN ISSUES HUH DONTCHA THINK SO HON

ANNE HATHAWAY

YEP I SURE DO HON, SURE HOPE ALL Y'ALL OUT THERE PICKED UP ON THAT

END