FADE IN:

EXT. THE NEW REPUBLIC - NOT THE BAND

Cut to the future of the Avatarverse. The NEW REPUBLIC brings together the four nations in equality and harmony. This is a world where JAMES CAMERON never existed, and his Avatar never confused fans who were searching for this show on Google.

ERIC AANG NAM

I am Aang, the Avatar and chosen bender of all elements, but now I am all grown up with a wife. And like all husbands settling down, I have a weird hobby collecting artifacts from my extinct tribe. It was either that or a LARPing league.

JESSICA KATARA MATTEN

I am Katara, the water bender and love interest of Aang. Are we married or just co-mingling? It's too complicated for anyone under 8. Besides, half of you have shipped me in fanfic romances to every male creature in this universe. You filthy weirdos.

ROMAN SOKKA ZARAGOZA

Every anime needs a tropey dork to make us feel better about our own failures, and that's me. I am the only non-bender in this entourage, but I still inspire Aang. He now knows what kind of person he doesn't want to be.

DIONNE TOPH QUAN

I may be the blind Earth bender, but I can sense the minerals and rocks through sound and smell. Right now, I smell the money this psuedo-anime serial makes.

PARAMOUNT EXEC

And because you spoke the truth, we are canceling this movie.

STEVEN ZUKO YEUN

I am Mark Grayson, the Invincible...wait....wrong story. I am Zuko, the former tyrannical warlord. I was known for terrorizing benders, justifying genocide, and creating endless wars. You can tell this movie is fictional because people in power actually feel bad for their behavior.

ERIC AANG NAM

Guys, I feel so lonely and isolated being the only airbender in the world. This must be what it feels like to defend the Supergirl movie.

EXT. RUINS WITH AT LEAST ONE RARE ARMOR SET TREASURE AND A MINOTAUR BOSS

ERIC NAM finds a statue of an Avatar named Sonam. He is immediately attacked by THE DENIED,which is a band of fighting raiders and not some 2000s Euro punk band.

ERIC AANG NAM

Geez, you geeks will do anything to secure an in-box, mint-condition doll.

ERIC gets his doll smashed. THE DENIED steal a map inside it.

ERIC AANG NAM

Still, these guys are more civil than Target shoppers fighting over Pokemon cards.

EXT. THE SPIRIT REALM OF EASTERN ASIA'S UNUSED AND DISCOUNTED LORE

ERIC NAM learns that the map leads to a sacred mystical TRIDENT. He communes with the avatars of the past via Eastern Meditation.

KE HUY QUAN

The Trident was created by Sonam, an avatar who imbued a golden pitchfork with the power to make more airbenders.

ERIC AANG NAM

I can finally undo the fatal tragedy I suffered as a child when my tribe was annihilated by the Fire Nation. I won't have to live with the mistake I made.

KE HUY QUAN

If only there were a trident for those who starred in Love Hurts.

EXT. BAUTISTA'S MOUNTAIN

ERIC NAM visits a tall mountain where he sees DAVE BAUTISTA stored in a block of ice.

ERIC NAM AANG

Am I really doing the movie world a favor by letting him out?

ERIC does his magical wind dance. DAVE BAUTISTA is free.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Finally, I can play a fighting warrior that is not considered a neurodivergent barbarian.

(reads script)

Killlllllllllll earthbenders!!! Rarrrrr!

(pauses)

Dang.

DIONNE TOPH QUAN

He's hot, which means he is a good guy in the anime world.

STEVEN ZUKO YEUN

But he's masculine, which means he is a bad guy in the Disney world.

ERIC AANG NAM

We both come from worlds where we let down our airbender tribes, but now we can work together to save our people. We can do it in the name of peace, justice and equality over the greedy and powerful monsters that wish to harm our values.

PARAMOUNT EXEC

I don't think there is going to be a sequel.

INT. THE ZEPPELIN

ERIC NAM assembles his team to find the Trident at the end of the world. THE DENIED are chasing them via an air battle.

ERIC AANG NAM

The Denied want the Trident to get powers, and I want the Trident to make airbenders. We literally have the same goals. Maybe we should sit down with them over tea?

DAVE BAUTISTA

Kill them all!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

DIONNE TOPH QUAN

Huh. I am starting to think the Denied won't be the major villain of this story.

JESSICA KATARA MATTEN

There might be hope for him...wait...nope, he just signed off on the Paramount/Warner Bros agreement. He is definitely evil.

THE ZEPPELIN almost crashes as it navigates the hurricanes, tornadoes, and lightning at the end of the world.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Aang, use everything I taught you to harness your powers.

ERIC NAM sells a chokeslam, puts baby oil on his pecs, and blades his forehead.

DAVE BAUTISTA

No, the other thing I taught you.

ERIC NAM and DAVE BAUTISTA fly through the storm, navigating past the hurricanes as the Zeppelin burns up and lands in...

EXT. TURTLE ISLAND WHERE A BURGER IS $20.99

THE GANG navigates the mystical island in search of the Trident.

JESSICA KATARA MATTEN

I don't trust Bautista. He is leading Eric to raise an army of airbenders to avenge his tribe's death.

ROMAN SOKKA ZARAGOZA

You only know that because you saw the movie leak on Twitter.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Ha ha! I am. Aang will help me start a global war against the other nations and I am sure after he sees that I killed his friends that will be all the persuasion he needs to be loyal and devoted.

BAUTISTA brutally crushes the bones, detaches the spines, and removes the organs of Aang's team. They need a breather.

DIONNE TOPH QUAN

He's no longer hot.

(bleeds)

DAVE BAUTISTA

I should check to make sure they are really dead... nah... these things usually work out.

ERIC does a bunch of wind, fire, water, and earth magic to bring the Trident out of its hiding place. It's the equivalent of hitting random objects in a video game when you are stuck in a dungeon.

ERIC AANG NAM

I got the Trident, now. Do I need to connect to the Spirit Realm's Bluetooth?

BAUTISTA powerbombs ERIC through a table, rendering his body into a lifeless husk. ERIC kicks out at 2.

JESSICA KATARA MATTEN

I channeled my waterbending to heal everyone's wounds, mend their bones, and repair their organs. That's the power of Fiji water. That explains why it is so expensive.

ROMAN SOKKA ZARAGOZA

Wow, that is some thick plot armor. How are we going to leave this island? Dave broke our airship.

ERIC conjures up more anime nonsense that makes the fangirls sqweeeee. The Spirit of the Water Nation from SEASON NOONECARES, EPISODE GETAJOBNERD teleports them to the Magical Heavens.

INT. DENIED AIR SHIP

DAVE BAUTISTA flies back to the airship of the people he just tried to kill a day ago.

THE DENIED

We inherently trust you.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Good. I am using this shiny weapon to make you all airbenders.

THE DENIED

Shouldn't we train how to use our powers?

DAVE BAUTISTA

Nope, I just decided you are all experts. Let's go fight a war.

EXT. AVATAR HEAVEN OF CLOUDS - MYSTICAL TEMPLE OF ANIME NONSENSE

ERIC and his gang are at the base of the MYSTICAL TEMPLE OF ANIME NONSENSE.

ERIC AANG NAM

Guys, our nation is in great peril. We need to treat this situation with all seriou...

TAIKA WAITITI jumps out of a clown car, rolls through a valley of whoopee cushions, and lands in a pit of whipped cream.

TAIKA WAITITI

Did someone order Second Hand Robin Williams!?

ERIC AANG NAM

This movie has no tone integrity.

TAIKA WAITITI cartwheels over a pit of rubber chickens, backflips over a row of jugglers, and lands in Matt Damon's arms.

ERIC AANG NAM

You did your thing. Let's end this scene.

And TAIKA was never heard from again.

FREIDA PINTO, Avatar Sonam, meets up with ERIC to fill in the plot gaps.

FREIDA PINTO

The Airbenders existed to make peace in the land. I recruited Dave Bautista to help restore balance to the benders. Then the Earth Nation killed almost all of us, proving that we are the easiest tribe to get our faces kicked in. Dave Bautista didn't like that we were so weak and vulnerable. When I caught him reading Netanyahu's books on honoring ceasefires, I knew that he had already turned to the dark side. He wanted to use the Trident to wage war and cause destruction, which is an odd extra feature for a peacekeeping tool. I froze him in a block of ice and hid the trident in hopes that another Avatar would use it for good.

ERIC AANG NAM

I don't want to point any fingers, but you could have left a note on the giant block of ice saying, "Huge psycho killer here. Leave alone."

FREIDA PINTO

You need to stop Bautista. He is trying to throw the mystical anime nonsense temple into your new city.

ERIC AANG NAM

Wow, this final scene feels hobbled together like a Goku and Godzilla blended smoothie with Chinese religion boba for flavoring. This could have been more fleshed out.

FREIDA PINTO

Considering that this movie is sandwiched between spin-offs of NCIS, Western dramas that all look the same, and dudes in their underwear rough housing on the Whitehouse lawn, this seems right on brand.

EXT. CRASH, CRASH, CRASHING ON HEAVEN'S DOOR

BAUTISTA and his GANG of DENIED straight up break stuff and maul people, while mystical pillars destroy buildings.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Ha! I will bully the peaceful city with my terrorizing absolute power to help reconcile my pain for an absolute power terrorizing my peaceful city.

(the spirit of hypocrisy dies from a stroke)

ERIC and his friends fight THE DENIED. Lots of Hadokens mixed with Shuryukens are exchanged.

DAVE BAUTISTA

How did you find me? I was moving so slow I was invisible.

(eats a chip)

ROMAN SOKKA ZARAGOZA

I am worthless in this fight...unless...I use my old wooden bike that flies very slowly with a load of peddling strength. I am starting to see why I am not trusted with war tactics.

KEN JEONG chases a cart of cabbages.

KEN JEONG

My cabbages!

TAIKA and KEN start fighting over who disrupted the movie's serious tone more.

ERIC AANG NAM

Bautista! You were like a brother to me! I loved you.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Tell me, Eric. Do you bleed?

ERIC AANG NAM

Maaaaaaartha!

ERIC goes Super-Saiyan level 9000. BAUTISTA makes his trident do anything the animators can illustrate with Adobe editing software.

ERIC AANG NAM

I just found out the Netflix adaptation is doing way better than this movie. I am so angry!

(turns into evil Aang)

JESSICA KATARA MATTEN

Oh no! Eric is joining the dark side. We must stop him.

STEVEN ZUKO YEUN

Yea, senseless killing is my tribe's thing. My culture is not your prom dress, Eric.

ERIC'S friends intervene in the massive fight between titans, reminding ERIC that he is a man of peace, that Ohana means family, you don't turn your back on family, that a dream is a wish your heart makes, and that the real treasure are the friends made along the way .

ERIC AANG NAM

Thank you, guys. I am back to my normal self, but I am sure Funko Pop just made eight new dolls based on Rage Aang.

ERIC snaps the Trident. The Spiritual Realm hits him with a kendo stick and rolls him up for the 3.

DAVE BAUTISTA

What the frick, dude???? Why am I only dying? We both used the Trident.

ERIC AANG NAM

Ummmm...I kind of have a fandom to run and you are a one-off type of villain. Anywho, I am learning to forgive myself for letting down my tribe.

DAVE BAUTISTA

And I forgive myself for starring in My Spy 1 & 2.

ERIC AANG NAM

I learned my lesson. Pursuing my culture only leads to genocide. Curiousity is wrong and it hurts the ones you love. Take that message home with you, kids.

ROMAN SOKKA ZARAGOZA

Now we can go back to the real threat to our nations, pretentious directors who royally screw up the canon.

(loads gun)

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

(gulps)

END