FADE IN:

EXT. SUMMER BLOCK PARTY IN 1982? 1976? 2030?

ANNE HATHAWAY and EWAN MCGREGOR are living a beige and sepia life in the SUBURBS. Their kids MAISY STELLA and CHRISTIAN CONVERY are doing GOONIES/STRANGER THINGS/IT/SANDLOT things.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Honey, don't forget you are grilling for the whole block, which has anywhere from 3 to 30 people at a time. I would do it, but I am currently in fifteen different movies, and my schedule is insane. Shoot...I am needed on the set of Verity, and then there is a cast party for The Odyssey.

EWAN MCGREGOR

No can do, honey. I have to deliver pizzas so our family can have extra income.

ANNE HATHAWAY

How dare you selfishly make money for our family so we can have nice things? This is why we have problems. Our daughter is confused about life and our son is acting out. You never take running a family seriously.

EWAN starts a LIGHTSABER battle with one of the kids.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Can't hear you, honey. Too busy living the dream.

CHRISTIAN CONVERY

I am living the teenage 80s dream. I have a group of mischievous friends, with one person of color. I can spend my Summer loving my dog, who will have 100% more screen time than anyone in this group. Sorry, guys, I won't miss you.

MAISY STELLA

I like to research Carl Sagan.

(deemed undateable, alone forever)

MEANWHILE, The Dinosaur Conflict slowly inches toward the plot at a glacial pace.

INT. EDITOR'S HOUSE ON CRITICISM HILL

ANNE HATHAWAY shows her manuscript to her neighbor, ANNE GEE BYRD.

ANNE HATHAWAY

What do you think about my completely fictional story about a neglected housewife who hates her life at home and can't wait to leave?

ANNE GEE BYRD

I love your characters. Janne Cathaway is brilliantly written. I love how you incorporated Stewen McJegor into the story. I will gladly edit this for you if nothing horrible happens in the next 24 hours. Hey, your husband is twelve years older than you. Don't you think that is inappropriate casting?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Christian Bale was a decade older than me in Dark Knight Rises. Steve Carell was two decades older than me in Get Smart. I think I am under a DiCaprio contract in Hollywood.

ANNE takes a picture of an extinct plant growing in the backyard. The Dinosaur Conflict moves forward a centimeter and then takes a break.

EXT. NEIGHBOR'S FIELD OF POOP DREAMS

P.J. BYRNE demands EWAN and ANNE answer for the large pile of dinosaur dung in his backyard.

P.J. BYRNE

Your freaking kids destroyed my lawn with a huge pile of poop. I knew Taco Bell would ruin the community.

EWAN MCGREGOR

It could be just a coincidence that a huge pile of poop landed in your yard. This Summer already had Moana and Supergirl dump on us.

The Dinosaur Conflict decides that it's moving too fast. It hitchhikes on a passing narcoleptic sloth.

EXT. JURASSIC PARKS AND REC AT THE HOUSE

A huge white light shakes the whole community during the night. Everything gets very quiet. The family wakes up to an eerily quiet morning. Quieter than the audience at a screening of The Spa Weekend.

ANNE HATHAWAY

The power is out, the air smells gross, and some guy named Spielberg keeps sending us cease-and-desist letters.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Let's wait it out. Even though the audience knows exactly what happened, we need to milk this ignorance for as long as we can.

CHRISTIAN CONVERY

The dog ran away. You need to find him.

EWAN and ANNE leave the house. The Dinosaur Conflict is still a mile up the road. It decides to take a quick nap and then slowly crawls toward the script.

EWAN MCGREGOR

There's a lot more screaming and growling than I remember.

(almost sees a dinosaur)

Lots of weird and new sights around town.

(dinosaur shows one toe in the background if you squint)

ANNE HATHAWAY

My editing neighbor has her throat ripped out, and there are claw marks on the door. Must have been rebellious teens listening to hip-hop.

(two raptors are winking at the audience disguised as the milk man)

The Dinosaur Conflict appears. All the dinosaurs remove their cloaks of invisibility and sound-dampening shoes.

EWAN MCGREGOR AND ANNE HATHAWAY

Whaaaaaaaat???? There's dinosaurs!!!!

AUDIENCE

Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

INT. THE HOUSE OF TUROK

ANNE and EWAN run from a predatory dinosaur with feathers and fur (because they understood the assignment...see me after class, Spielberg). They run back to the house.

ANNE HATHAWAY

New plan! The dog is dead, screw our neighbors, we just became reclusive shut-ins.

MAISY STELLA

Sagan has a theory that wormholes can take things out of time and transport them.

ANNE HATHAWAY

That has to be true because you said it out loud.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Let's be optimistic. We are going to be saved by God.

ANNE HATHAWAY

You idiot. Dinosaurs are atheists. They don't believe in the Young Earth Theory.

CHRISTIAN CONVERY

I need my dog, or I will start acting out and being rebellious. Does anyone know the recipe for Tide Pods?

EWAN MCGREGOR

Oh, BTW, I was laid off last week. I was going to tell you, but I wanted it to be a surprise. Since taxes and bills don't exist anymore, you shouldn't be angry.

P.J. BYRNE is on his roof firing a revolver at multiple pterodactyls. His body is ripped to shreds as the family watches from their window.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Well, it's not a corporate park lawyer getting eaten off the toilet, but it was something.

EXT. A NIGHT VERSION OF DINOSAUR PARK

CHRISTIAN sees his dog return. He escapes the house. MAISY follows him. EWAN and ANNE are arguing in the bedroom.

ANNE HATHAWAY

You always change the subject and say something hurtful when I try to get you to open up to me.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Princess Diaries 2 was an unnecessary sequel!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Our kids ran out of the house. Let's follow a random direction and hope we bump into them.

EWAN and ANNE dodge giant turtles, avoid a dinosaur, save a princess from a castle, and slide down a flagpole.

INT. HOUSE AT THE END OF THE WORMHOLE

A WORMHOLE opens up in a random house.

EWAN MCGREGOR

This is how we can save ourselves. We jump through the wormhole. My knowledge of Doctor Who tells me everything will work out fine.

The WORMHOLE closes because it won't allow anyone who was in a failed DC project.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Birds of Prey was decent!

ANNE HATHAWAY

I was a credible Catwoman!

One hundred tiny raptors break through the wall and chase ANNE and EWAN. They hide in a car. They realize how this tragedy can bring them closer together.

EWAN MCGREGOR

And you thought my Dinosaur Survival Clause in our wedding vows was silly!

EXT. BACKYARD AT NIGHT

MAISY and CHRISTIAN find JORDAN ALEXA DAVIS fending off a raptor. They save her.

CHRISTIAN CONVERY

Thank God you are here. This cast was getting a little too beige.

JORDAN ALEXA DAVIS

Aren't we going to mention that Christian was beaten up by some kid's older brother for breaking his arm?

CHRISTIAN CONVERY

If the director doesn't care about that sideplot, why should we?

MAISY STELLA

You can join our family. My mom tells us we are going to die here, and my dad is a neglectful caretaker.

JORDAN ALEXA DAVIS

I suddenly feel safer with the dinosaurs.

EXT. MORE DINOSAURS BUT THIS TIME IT IS DAY

EWAN, ANNE, MAISY, JORDAN, and CHRISTIAN meet up. The family is bonded by love and survival. EWAN and ANNE take a detour to appreciate a...ummm...well...you see...when a mommy and daddy brontosaurus really love each other.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Jeez! Did we subscribe to an OnlyDinos.com account? These dinosaurs are going to town.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Land Before Time 6: Hot and Heavy, the Snyder Cut.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Is this a metaphor for what we are doing to the Jurassic Park legacy?

ANNE HATHAWAY

The poor CGI artist who graduated from a prestigious film school to make two large dinos getting it on.

EWAN MCGREGOR

I hear these dinos are getting a spin-off series on HBO Max.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Get the kids. This will save me an awkward health class talk.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Grok users are going to have a field day with this scene.

ANNE HATHAWAY

I should take a picture of you here. Our relationship is budding now and I need a memory of you.

EXT. THANKFULLY A DINOSAUR GROWLS AND WE LEAVE THAT AWKWARD SCENE

I have no idea what dinosaurs these are so please ask a 7-year-old for clarification. A T-REX uses STEALTH +50 and SOUND DISCIPLINE +20 to sneak up on the family. They run in random directions.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Don't worry, honey. I am distracting the beast with my swinging sledge hammer.

T-REX bites off EWAN'S leg.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Don't worry, honey. I am distracting the beast with my delicious meaty appendages.

The T-REX rips EWAN in half. ANNE suddenly excuses herself to make sure her plot armor insurance is paid up.

ANAKIN SKYWALKER

Not so funny when it happens to you, is it?

INT. ANACONDA HOUSE

The family travels back to the house without EWAN. They are sad, discouraged, and at the lowest point on their lives. Now is a good time for a GIANT ANACONDA to get into the house. The anaconda is pure nightmare fuel and sources tell me that it is not associated with Sir Mix-A-Lot.

CHRISTIAN CONVERY

How do these animals keep sneaking up on us? Are we a deaf family?

CHRISTIAN'S DOG comes back to save him...for like 3 seconds.

ANNE psycho stabs it with a kitchen knife six-hundred times.

ANACONDA

Rude.

(leaves in disgust)

ANNE HATHAWAY

Feeling sad and moping is a bad plan. Let's go back outside and look for wormholes.

The family finds a wormhole a few blocks away.

MAISY STELLA

Seeing that we are attacked every ten paces, it will take a week to make it to the house and we should lose at least half of our family.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Or...

INT. THE OLD LADY HOUSE THAT I DIDN'T MENTION BECAUSE I COULDN'T THINK OF A GOOD JOKE FOR HER BEING A LIBBRARIAN

ANNE had a JUMP CUT in her purse and the family teleports right to the house

MAISY STELLA

Oh. That was easy.

But it isn't easy. Pterodactyls start swarming in. Behind the predatory birds, alligators swarm the house. Behind the alligators, zombie dogs. Behind the zombie dogs, chickens with machine guns. Behind the chickens, honey badgers holding live wasp nests in their mouths. Behind the badgers, dark elf sorcerers with lightning spells. Behind them, lawyers demanding explanations why Chris Pratt was not cast for this movie.

ANNE HAS-A-WAY

Christian, you can go first into the wormhole. Just jump off the roof.

CHRISTIAN jumps, the wormhole disappears, and he breaks his leg.

ANNE HATHAWAY

You never listen to me.

CHRISTIAN CONVERY

What? Sweet Tooth was a highly successful DC series on Netflix. Stupid, biased wormhole.

The family runs downstairs, scoops up CHRISTIAN, fend off the alligators, dodge the running bulls, defeat the ancient ghost curse, solve the impossible riddle, and make it back to the roof. They all jump together.

EXT. BACK IN TIME TO 1982, TWELVE MINUTES BEFORE THE ACCIDENT, BUT REALLY IT IS THE FUTURE 2,000,000 YEARS AHEAD. LOOK, IT'S COMPLICATED.

ANNE, CHRISTIAN, MAISY, and ALEXANDRA arrive outside of their neighborhood minutes before the wormhole creates the plot.

ANNE HATHAWAY

We only have minutes until our neighborhood goes to Jurassic hell again. Luckily, I have a payphone and Ewan is delivering pizza. I am sure it will be super easy to convince his pizzeria to make a pizza, have him pick it up, and deliver it two miles outside of the town.

It was that easy! EWAN shows up and sees his kids and wife attack him with hugs and kisses.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Hello there.

ANNE HATHAWAY

I also called all of our nearest neighbors to escape and everyone listened to me. PJ Byrne, Anne Gee Byrd, and the librarian are now alive.

CHRISTIAN CONVERY

And you saved our friends?

ANNE HATHAWAY

(silence)

ANNE and EWAN are now living a blissful and happy family life, barely traumatized by the other 1,000 neighbors that are being chewed up and killed. Nope, no survivor guilt for Anne.

ANNE HATHAWAY

(looks at watch)

Shoot, I am late for the Devil Wears Prada 3. I have to shoot a scene where I marry Robert De Niro.

END